I can't wait to see how frustrated my future children will be with my inability to work my 3D printer.
Liberal Nanny State #ThanksObama
One of those, "why don't I live here" Austin pictures
Two cites, eleven shows should add up to one album. Gonna be a hoot!
The only thing standing between you and your fortune might be having the balls to charge $108 dollars for a fucking butter dish.
Starting my Leaving Las Vegas-style chicken nugget suicide bender. Thanks for the deal, Mickey D! #imlovingit?
I guess I'm doing ipad dog portraits, if anybody wants one. #MerryChristmas #paper53
Merry David Bowie Dog Christmas from Ohio
Seems like this photography studio was set up to make dogs feel a little more comfortable than cats.
I'm bad with word problems, but I think this criminal's sweatshirt is saying heaven is only two miles away from hell.
This is a picture my friend @diannegallagher took of me doing standup on her TV screen. My set airs again on Wednesday on AXS TV.
Fuck all that Ebola shit! Here's some REAL news for you!
I only like drinking rum on boats, decided me on this boat today.
Nine Dollars. #nyc
I'm about to fly home for 13 hours. Jay Leno and Craig Furgeson are on my plane. Also another man with white hair dressed totally in denim, which is coincidental and suspicious. Anyhow, here's a picture of the tallest building in the world right now. #Dubai